5 ways to unlock her back door

Anal sex. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a huge fan.

I love butt sex for so many reasons. Even though it’s something more people of all genders and orientations are exploring and enjoying, there’s still an element of it being taboo that turns me on. I’m also really into the sensation of anal sex, as the anal sphincter is tighter—generally speaking—than a vagina. 

I like offering partners who have never tried or liked anal sex before a pressure-free space to explore whether it’s something they may want to have in their sexual repertoire.

Now, as you may know, part of my Sex Hacker origin story is that I have an average-sized cock. One of the many advantages of having an average-sized cock is that it’s less likely to intimidate an anal debutante!

In fact, my average size, plus my nerdy dives into anal anatomy (check out my 45-Degree Angle Rule for Anal article) and pleasure (enjoy my Advanced Anal Guide), as well as oodles of hands-on experience have resulted in my partners having positive (even orgasmic!) first-time anal encounters. I’m particularly honored that partners who have had negative experiences with anal have been game enough to overwrite those less-than-optimal memories with new, positive ones. 

I use this concept called anal trust, which describes the amount of trust that you must have to allow someone to penetrate such a delicate part of your body that the act has the potential to cause you a lot of pain and harm if your partner isn’t putting your well-being above their need for pleasure. If you get to the “anal trust” level, and your partner experiences anal pleasure with you, that trust expands to every aspect of your sex life. You’re proved you can be trusted with their most vulnerable parts.

The point of this article is to encourage you to be the kind of partner who creates a similarly safe, fun, no-pressure environment for your partners to explore anal sex for the first time or get back up on the horse if they’ve tried it before. Maybe they already love it! But if they don’t, let’s make sure it’s simply not their cup of tea, rather than one of these anal sex goofs. 

1. Earn her anal trust.

Just because she’s had anal before, that doesn’t mean that it’s on the menu for you. Perhaps it came up during a getting-to-know-you conversation. She’s not an absolute anal beginner. She may have even told you that she liked it or that it’s been a regular part of her repertoire with previous partners. Here’s what that juicy tidbit means for you. Not much. There isn’t a direct correlation between the sex acts she’s engaged in and enjoyed in the past and what she’s interested in doing—or not doing—with you.

While you might want to think that it’s your super intimidating package that’s making her balk at the idea of you being her backdoor man, it’s much more likely to come down to something else. 

My money is on trust. 

Trust is something you must earn and it takes time. If you want her to even entertain the idea of anal sex with you, your patience and trustworthiness have to show elsewhere. If, for example, you’re jabbing your fingers into her vagina before she’s sufficiently aroused and lubricated, she’s definitely going to be thinking twice about letting you anywhere near her smaller, non-self-lubricating hole.

I highly suggest mastering Fingering Fundamentals before exploring butt stuff!

2. Develop anal empathy.

To turn the popular witticism on its head: assholes are like opinions… everybody’s got one! By contrast, if you’re a penis owner; chances are good that you don’t know what having a vagina feels like and vice versa. The anatomy of the anus and rectum, however, is pretty similar regardless of gender because every asshole’s main job description is the same—to excrete food waste. 

So what does this mean for you? It means that provided that you have fingers, you have everything you need to start to get a sense of what receptive anal sex feels like. You’ve really got some balls to think that you get to spelunk without having first been spelunked—if only by your own hand. 

In the spirit of really comprehending what you’re trying to get into, have a little exploration session the next time you’re in the shower. Step one is to make sure that you’ve had a complete bowel movement and have that just-pooped empty feeling. Then, in a hot shower, explore your anus with one finger. Notice how your sphincter puckers and relaxes when you are knocking at the gate, as it were. Then, slowly insert your finger and begin to get a sense of what it’s like in there. 

If you really want to go the whole hog, work your way up to inserting a toy that’s not too dissimilar to your cock in terms of size and shape. 

Love it or hate it, this round of self-exploration should at least give you some context for what your partner will feel if you’re lucky enough to be invited around back. The key is to develop empathy, so that you become the kind of lover worthy of a backstage pass.

3. Master patience.

Don’t believe everything you see in porn. 

In the real world, monster cocks don’t slip effortlessly into anuses without prep or warm-up. Diets are manipulated, medications are taken to start and/or stop traffic in the lower GI tract to reduce the likelihood of shit from happening, and outrageous amounts of lube are employed to mitigate discomfort. Also, civilians are far less likely to have spent hours and hours of screen time training their bodies to do what they want on cue. 

In the real world, patience is going to be key, particularly if your partner isn’t a longtime anal-ista. 

For some people, feeling comfortable with a cock in the ass might take a while. Long enough, in fact, for your penis to soften. In my experience, having a little sildenafil (brand name Viagra) on hand can be really useful in making sure that you’re rock solid when she’s good and ready to back that ass up. 

Note: You should only take erectile dysfunction medication that’s been prescribed for you by a doctor. 

4. Never cross-contaminate!

Another thing we see a lot of in porn is penises going from vaginas to anuses and back again. Does it look like fun? Certainly. Does that back and forth increase the likelihood of your partner getting a bacterial infection? Absolutely. 

From a young age, girls are taught to wipe from front to back. That’s because introducing fecal matter to the vagina is, sooner or later, not going to end well. Specifically, it could end with bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a urinary tract infection (UTI). 

If you are fluid bonded with your partner, meaning that you are not using condoms, it’s important that you thoroughly wash your penis, the base of your cock, and your pubic area with soap and water between anal and vaginal sex to avoid cross-contamination. Trust me, you don’t want to bring this shit with you! This goes for toys, and fingers too. If your tongue has gotten in on the action, make sure you use mouthwash and rinse in between. If you are using condoms, you will still have to wash your penis and pubic area in addition to putting on a fresh condom. That’s because condoms don’t always cover the entire penis (or dildo), so there’s a risk that some bacteria may still be present. 

5. Be graceful in the event of a shitty situation.

Pain is a major concern when people consider receiving anal sex. Another worry that gets top billing is the prospect of shit getting everywhere. Of course, this is perfectly understandable, given that pushing out poop is the anus’s primary job. Again, this is something that we rarely see in porn, though I’d bet that every year plenty of footage featuring this very reality hits the cutting room floor. 

If you happen to be into scat play, I’m not here to yuck your yum, but I think it’s safe to say that fecal matter is the last thing most people want involved during sex…even if the activity they are engaging in is basically inviting that very thing to happen. 

The good news is that if the receptive partner has used the bathroom and had a thorough shower, the chances of them unwittingly letting a massive amount of shit loose are pretty slim. I have some additional prep hacks in this article. Put simply, poop doesn’t enter the rectum in large quantities until you feel the urge to use the bathroom. What’s more likely is for smaller remnants to be shaken loose via the process of fucking. It doesn’t happen too often, but it certainly happens some of the time. 

So the move here is to expect the best and prepare for the worst. First off, let her know in no uncertain terms that you’ve got her and, should things get messy, you’re not going to make a big deal about it.

Have a dark towel or disposable puppy pad under you both, when shit is likely to get real. In the event that things do get messy, stop what you’re doing, get that towel or puppy pad out of there, scoop her up and jump in the shower together. If the mess is minor, having some baby wipes at hand will enable you to wipe any nastiness away and keep going (if you’re not faint of heart)!

Anal sex can be an incredible experience, but only when both partners are truly ready for it. Even if it’s a bucket list item for you, don’t rush it! By being mindful of your partner’s boundaries, exploring your own body, practicing patience, understanding the hygiene risks, and being physically (and mentally) prepared for the occasional mess, you can create the kind of safe and pleasurable environment that will make her brag about you to her friends.

Remember, anal sex should be fun and mutually enjoyable. Make the whole process about trust, communication, preparation, and deep intimacy, and she’ll be inviting you around back in no time!