“Contrary to popular belief, and to what is depicted in porn, most women prefer a much broader array of activities than simply hard and long pounding with a penis.” – Kenneth Play
There’s a ton of talk in the popular media about “lasting longer in bed”. But most of them refer to methods that give you more ejaculatory control. While this is a valuable skill to gain, I think the first and best tip for lasting longer in bed that I would give is to make sex about much more than putting a penis in a vagina.
Things like making out for a long time, drawing out nipple and breast play, giving erotic massages, going down on her and fingering her, are all things that most men do not spend nearly enough time on.
My coworkers and I jokingly call many men’s sexual behavior the “basic bro package”, which is basically a sequence of sexual behavior where the guys perfunctorily kisses her a little, grabs a tit, goes down on her for five minutes, and then tries to put his dick in her. For most women, this is just nowhere near enough warm up to really enjoy being penetrated.
Contrary to popular belief, and to what is depicted in porn, most women prefer a much broader array of activities than simply hard and long pounding with a cock. If you want to learn more about the many things you can do in bed, check out my Sex Hacker Pro course, which has over 70 hours of content on being an excellent lover.
When it comes to drawing out sex for longer periods of time during penetrative sex, it comes down to controlling the function of our autonomic nervous system.This part of our nervous system is involuntary and controls our breathing, heart rate, digestion, sexual function and more. When we get close to orgasm, the part of our nervous system that is responsible for what is known as “fight or flight” kicks in.
This division is called the sympathetic nervous system. In order to delay orgasm and ejaculation, we need to decrease sympathetic nervous system arousal and increase parasympathetic nervous system arousal, or “rest and digest”. Basically, we need to remain calm while feeling very intense sensations. This is what ancient traditions figured out, and where tantric and doaist sexual practices work well.
So, instead of chasing each sensation to get closer and closer to orgasm, focus on deep slow breathing, relaxing the body deeply, and feeling each sensation and movement fully without pushing the feeling to grow or become something else.
Expanding awareness outward also helps a lot. If you are hyper focused on a fantasy or a specific part of your partner’s body, expand your awareness to include her entire body, emotional state, and mental state, and become aware of the entirety of your own experience in the same way. Even noticing sights, sounds, smells, and so on in the room can be helpful. The more focused attention is on one small subset of experience, the more we are likely to be in sympathetic arousal. The more we expand awareness and relax, the more we will engage the parasympathetic nervous system.
If you want more information on ancient practices and sexuality, check out my head of research and development, Chelsey Fasano. If you want more information on ejaculatory control, I highly recommend my colleague Destin Gerek, who teaches all about this to men all over the world. He’s the master when it comes to ejaculatory control.
And check this out: This 4-Week Challenge Will Help You Last Longer in Bed by Gigi Engle for Men’s Health