Good sexual communication is not only an ideal worth striving for. There’s some biological, neurological basis for it. When it comes to sex, there’s both inhibitory and excitatory systems at play. (This concept was popularized by Emily Nagoski in her book Come as You Are.)
If you are overly inhibited, it’s going to be hard to relax and get excited! This occurs at a very basic level in the brain and body. If you feel unsafe in a relationship, or like you can’t voice your needs, it signals to a very deep part of your nervous system that you should retreat, not advance, and that pleasure might not be safe. Having good sexual communication and creating an open space where you know your needs and boundaries will be respected helps lower inhibition and creates the space to get excited about someone!
To create good communication, be willing to be vulnerable. If you share things that are scary about yourself, it creates a space of intimacy where your partner might feel more comfortable to also share. You’re modelling the behavior you want your partner to emulate.
And don’t ask too many broad questions. Ask specific questions. For instance, “What do you want?” is not a good opening question. You want to really narrow down the question. Giving options also helps. For instance, “When I go down on you, do you like it when I lick you softly or more ferociously on your clit (or head of the penis)”.
It’s ok to be apprehensive as long as you do it anyway. Getting sexually rejected or shamed is a pain that most of us can relate to and that most people would like to avoid. But, with a little bit of faith and courage, and by investing in your sex education, you’d be surprised that these conversations can be more comfortable than you thought.
Read the article 5 Ways to Create Better Sexual Communication With Your Partner by Gigi Engle for TheBody