There are a number of barriers that might keep you from living your best sex life.
If it’s a lack of communication with your partner, simple directions like faster, slower, harder, softer, up, down, etc. can make a huge difference between so-so sex and bad sex or great sex. If you’re giving simple directions like this in the moment and your partner still isn’t getting it, it might be time to do what I call a Play Lab.
This is a format where you set aside time to specifically learn a skill with a partner, without having the pressure to do it perfectly or have it be perfectly sexy. It’s like a cooking class for sex, where you don’t have to make the perfect omelette, but get the idea down and know the ingredients. In this context, you can actively teach your partner how to do the thing to you, if you know how to do it, or you can look up classes and watch them together while practicing.
I have tons of resources for this sort of thing in my Sex Hacker Pro course and my book Beyond Satisfied. The salient point here is that sometimes skill acquisition needs to occur, and the best place for this is often not a sexual encounter where the pressure is on to perform, but a lighthearted environment where sharing of info can occur and mistakes can be made on the way to greatness.
Maybe it’s your body confidence that’s a barrier. My advice on how to increase your body confidence? Go to a sauna, nude beach, or sex party, where you can see other real live people naked. If the only exposure you get to other naked bodies is through media like movies, instagram, magazines, television, and photos, most of these contain super unrealistic, heavily photoshopped, and specially curated and filmed portrayals of the human body. It’s about as realistic as learning about sex through porn.
Once you see how other people look naked, you’ll likely realize how normal and beautiful you are. You’ll start to compare yourself in your head to what naked people really look like, rather than an artificial and mostly unachievable standard of perfection.
Also, when you see other naked, everyday people who are totally comfortable and at ease in their bodies, it rubs off! This is why sex parties can be truly magical. Sex-positivity and body-positivity is contagious. Try one of our sexy brunches or pool parties at Hacienda, the sex-positive community I co-founded. The socials and pool parties are a low-key, low-pressure place to start your adventures.
My mentor Pamela Madsen, the founder of Back to the Body retreats, has created by far the most effective method for women to gain body confidence and experience their sexual pleasure. I’ve seen thousands of people experience pleasure and confidence at her retreats. This is definitely something to check out if you want to get an immersive experience in female pleasure.
If it’s your libido getting in the way, it’s all about lowering inhibition for most people. Giving yourself permission to follow your desires is the key to improving your libido. It’s kind of the same as allowing yourself to desire food and really go with what your stomach wants and needs. Learning to experience the needs, wants, and desires of your genitals (and heart and mind, sexually), without judging or suppressing them, is key to feeling fully in the moment when it’s time to actually get into the acting out of your desires.
Also, getting into the mood by exposing yourself to sexual stimuli, whether by reading erotica, getting a lapdance, watching films that are sexy or erotic to you, or fantasizing, can be super helpful. For instance, intentionally bringing to mind sexy memories of your past hot encounters with someone can help you desire them again in the moment or want them in the future. For some people, this is intuitive and natural; they gravitate towards thinking about sex and wanting to be near sexual stimuli. For others, it’s something that they need to actively decide to engage in, especially in long term relationships. – Kenneth Play