7 orgasm myths, busted

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One of the incredible upsides to learning more about sexual technique and experience is that we can train ourselves to help us become more receptive to pleasure.  For people who have a hard time orgasming, this is great news—we can build this capacity with deliberate practice. But first, we have to understand it’s possible and adopt a growth mindset toward pleasure. 

In this post, I’m going to tackle some of the misconceptions many people have around orgasm, and explain how they are getting in the way of you having an optimal sex life

Myth #1. Orgasm Is the Only Goal of Sex

You know the experience of gritting your teeth through a sleepless night? You lie awake, thinking about how you can’t fall asleep, and the more you think about it the further away sleep seems. Orgasm is the same way. It’s the animal in the brush. The more you chase it, the further it runs away. A skilled hunter doesn’t go straight for the prey; they follow the signs and watch patiently for the right moment to move in.

Anxiety creates a deflection. When your partner is worried about whether she’ll orgasm, she may focus on the fact that she’s not coming yet instead of focusing on her sexual pleasure. Set aside the “goal” of orgasm, and you can both focus on the signs from your partner’s body. Track which sensations she finds pleasurable and stay with the ride. For this to work, you have to truly believe that the journey is as important as the destination. Stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the ride, and you will help your partner do the same.

Myth #2: Orgasms don’t happen without clitoral stimulation

While it’s true that most women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. That’s hardly surprising given how rich in nerve endings the clit is. In fact, the clitoris has more nerve endings than anywhere in the body.  Despite this, countless women can come—nay prefer to come—another way. The female orgasm is not just one thing! 

Vaginal orgasm (incorporating  G-spot, A-Spot, P-Spot, and cervical stimulation), anal, and nipple stimulation can all result in orgasm for hundreds of millions of women on Planet Earth. There are also blended orgasms which, as the name suggests, is a simultaneous blend of two types of orgasm. The most common blended orgasm is achieved by syncing up a clitoral orgasm with a g-spot orgasm. 

My blended orgasm tutorial was one of the first videos that went up on PornHub back in 2016. You can see it here, though what we’ve created with the Sex Hacker Pro course has much better production value!

Myth #3 It Takes Too Long to Get There

Many people get stuck in anxiety over how long it takes them to come. They worry their partner is getting impatient and just waiting for them to finish. It’s not hard to see where this misconception comes from: In porn, the actors make it look so easy, and some women seem to come almost instantly. (Remember: Porn stars are actors.) In real life, your partner is lying there, distracted from the sensations in her body because she’s worried she’s taking forever. The more she chases the idea of orgasm, the more anxiety builds, and the further away orgasm seems.

Often, it doesn’t actually take longer for women to come than for men. It just takes longer to dial in the sweet spot. If your partner isn’t getting the physical sensations or the mental stimulation that works for her, she won’t reach her big-o. Take time to explore lots of different sensations with your partner and calibrate the speed and pressure she needs. Incororate this into your foreplay. When you find the sweet spot on the sensations she loves, she may be pleasantly surprised at how fast the switch from arousal to orgasm can happen.

Myth #4: Simultaneous orgasms are the holy grail

It happens in movies all the time: people coming in unison after a picture-perfect romp in bed. Does it happen? Sure. Is it sort of cool when it happens. Certainly. Is not having an orgasm at the exact same time as your partner some short of sex fail? Absolutely fucking not! 

Research shows us that there’s a lot of variation in terms of how long it takes individuals of any gender to achieve orgasm. Everyone’s sexual response is a little bit different. The upshot of this is that, when you and your partner do come simultaneously, it’s likely a result of one partner willfully delaying their orgasm, allowing the other to catch up. Essentially they are edging, which is an awesome sex-prolonging technique I’ll write about in another blog post. 

If holding out until your partner is ready to get theirs, edging might be something you want to incorporate into your sex play. If not, coming one at a time is just as good.    

Myth #5 Men and women should have an equal number of orgasms

When your partner is primarily concerned with getting you off, she’s not fully focused on her own pleasure. Sex is a give and take, and each partner has to allow themselves to receive fully. As you know by now, men’s and women’s orgasms don’t happen in a one-to-one ratio. There are multi-orgasmic men out there, but they’re few and far between and, usually they have a lot of sexual experience under their belt to get there. (See Myth #7 for tips on how you could become one of these guys).  

In general, however, your female partner is capable of having far more orgasms than you. If she expects that she’ll have one orgasm and then she’ll help you get yours, she may be cutting herself short on her orgasmic potential. An adult can eat more than a kid can; you wouldn’t feed them both the same size portion. Encourage your partner to eat until she’s satiated. No kid’s meal for her.

Myth #6 If I Lose Control in Orgasm, I Will Die (Or At Least Severely Embarrass Myself)

Despite the popularized French expression le petit mort, no one has ever died from orgasm alone. And yet, it’s an incredibly common fear that grips many people, that if we fully let go and give into pleasure to the point of orgasm, something very, very bad will happen.

This may seem ridiculous to our logical brains, but to the nervous system, it makes complete sense. Remember that when we’re on the verge of orgasm, our brain switches from the rest-and-digest mode to fight-or-flight. To the nervous system, an orgasm is dangerous, thrilling, and overwhelming. On the cusp, when we’re in the grip of our body’s fear instinct, it’s a natural response to want to quit stimulation rather than give into an experience that might be too much.

Sometimes, when I’m with a partner who is experiencing that sense of fear, it’s enough to hold their hand and say, “You’re not going to die. Let it happen. I’m here.” That little nudge can often establish enough safety for my partner to go on.

For some people, it’s not death they fear, but embarrassment. They worry that by letting go completely, their body may do something fully involuntary—spasm, fart, pee, or any number of bodily functions—that they will feel ashamed of. The ironic thing is that one of the most fun things about sex is getting to play with control and the loss of control. 

The more we can tune into our bodies and encourage our partners to ride the waves of sensation they’re experiencing, the more skill we can build to navigate the border between control and letting go. When you’re helping your partner get comfortable with letting go, pay attention to whether they’re rushing, and encourage them to take their time. If they’re holding back from moaning, tell them to moan louder. If they’re enjoying a particular sensation, encourage them to take a couple more bites. Watch for signs that your partner is close to losing control and encourage them to lean into the sensations that are taking them over the edge.

Myth #7: Men can’t have multiple orgasms

Generally speaking, soon after ejaculation, a man loses his erection and is unable to achieve another erection for some time afterward. This is called the refractory period and it typically gets longer for men as they age. This can mean that the male orgasm is a case of one and done. 

However, it is certainly possible for some men to orgasm and not lose their erection due to how turned on they remain and/or whether they’ve taken medication developed for ED such as Viagra (sildenafil) or Cialis (tadalafil). 

These drugs—which need to be prescribed by a doctor who has reviewed your medical history with you—don’t just keep penises hard: they can also shorten the refractory period. One study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research found that 40% of a group of men with an average age of 32 saw their refractory period shortened from a median time of 14.9 minutes to 5.5 minutes. This means that they could get back in the saddle 9.4 minutes earlier! But you don’t need medication to become a multi-orgasmic man. You can also get there through practice.  

I’ve already mentioned edging in this post and I’m going to mention it again here because it’s an awesome technique that can benefit your sex game in all kinds of ways. Primarily it’s a great way to lessen the likelihood of orgasming sooner than you’d like but, if you get really good at it, you may be able to separate your orgasm from your ejaculation

The first move is to work this practice into your masturbation sessions. Start by becoming aware of the point at which ejaculation is inevitable. Then, once you know what that moment feels like, take yourself to just before this point-of-no-return and then stop stimulating yourself until that feeling has ebbed away. Do that ten times in a row for several sessions and learn how to ride that wave of pleasure. With practice and over time, you may be able to experience orgasm independent of ejaculation which, let;’s face it, is akin to having some sort of superpower!

 

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