(AskMen) Unrealistic Penis Expectations That Contribute to Sexual Anxieties

“Many men hold themselves to standards that are not only unrealistic, but entirely mythical. The idea that a man’s erection should never falter is not very different from the damaging misconception that men should never cry. We’re told to get our shit together, man up, and never let our emotions come into play in our performance. In reality, what happens in our world affects our sex drive. – Kenneth Play

Read the full article Unrealistic Penis Expectations That Contribute to Sexual Anxieties by Ian Stobber for AskMen.

Or read on for more from my unpublished thoughts on penis size:

There is a billion-dollar industry based on increasing penis size, making erections last longer, and extending performance. The size of that industry is a testament to how many men worry about getting an erection quickly, maintaining it under pressure, and being able to hammer away for hours.

If we’re not willing to be vulnerable with our partners, we can’t be intimate with our partners. Sex without vulnerability is just a performance. A sex life built around performance becomes like a never-ending first date, the Amazon Prime for orgasm. I spent a lot of my own sex life in that mindset—it takes one to know one. In the quest to impress our partners, we lose our connection with ourselves.

Sex isn’t always perfect. Sometimes it’s awkward, weird, uncomfortable, and messy—in short, it’s real. Instead of focusing on your equipment, focus on being mindful in the moment with your partner. Ask yourself: what’s arousing at this moment right now? Pay attention to your senses. Look at your partner’s beautiful lips and the curves of her body. Soon enough, you’ll be out of the anxiety loop and on to great sex.

All-night sexual experiences happen by enjoying each other fully and playing with a wide variety of techniques and possibilities. When you sit down for a meal at a Michelin-star restaurant, you’re not there just to satiate your hunger. The goal isn’t nutrient fulfillment; if it was, you could sit in your apartment and drink Soylent. The point is to be immersed in the experience, to enjoy the atmosphere, and to be satisfied by every bite.

Peak sexual experiences involve physical, emotional, and psychological artistry. When you recognize that penetrative sex is just one of the many ways you can bring your partner pleasure, you open up a wealth of new possibilities for giving your partner the best sex she’s ever had.

For hetero couples, the major problem with holding the idea that penis-in-vagina sex is the only real sex is that it’s not the most pleasurable form of sex for a lot of women (sex acts with a greater degree of clitoral stimulation rank higher). Think of the performance anxiety that men feel from overemphasizing PIV sex: if that’s the only kind of sex that matters to you, of course you’ll worry about your cock size and your ability to hold an erection, among all the other performance pressures that can leave men feeling like their bodies are broken.

This is not to say that PIV sex isn’t a pleasurable part of sex—it absolutely is, and we have a whole chapter dedicated to it—but the point is that if it’s the only kind of sexual expression you’re leaning on, you’re leaving out a lot of opportunities for incredibly enjoyable sex (with less performance anxiety).

When you look at the studies around the orgasm gap, nearly every study found that in lesbian sex between two women, the orgasm “gap” is hardly a gap at all—women have far more orgasms when they’re having sex with each other, which should tell you how important non-PIV activities are in pleasurable sex.

Not only is PIV sex not the only thing, but when it’s your only thing, it usually doesn’t lead to pleasure or orgasm, and is boring AF. Most women would choose all the other stuff over someone whose only trick is PIV. Not only is PIV not the only thing, but it’s not even the best thing most times. Other skills are arguably much more important.

There is a wide variety of sexual expression to tap into that can offer your partner more mind-blowing sex than you imagined. You can learn many of those ways through my book Beyond Satisfied and my e-course Sex Hacker Pro

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