HuffPost has started an amazing new series that I’m so excited for!! Sex Ed for Grown-Ups will tackle everything you didn’t learn about sex in school — beyond the birds and the bees. And I’m even more excited to be featured in one of their first articles to announce the new series — “How To Talk Dirty Without Being Awkward” by Brittany Wong. Let’s talk dirty talk!
I love dirty talk. I love communicating about sex and my desires in general. And I love getting into the details of what turns me and my partner on with some sexy words in the moment. As Brittany says in her article:
“It’s simple: When done right, and said by someone you’re incredibly attracted to, nothing’s sexier than vocal sex. The brain is our biggest sexual organ, so it makes sense that we’re turned on by what our partners say in the heat of the moment. (And vice versa; voicing the desires and fantasies you usually keep to yourself to a rapt audience can be a huge turn-on.)”
I always say that our biggest sexual organ is between our ears (our brains). The right erotic context is such a turn on because it lets you explore fantasies and desires more deeply. With the right story, sometimes you don’t even need touch to be turned on to your bones. (This is why erotica is the best selling genre of literature.) It’s hot because it’s what we want taken to it’s naughtiest end. Dirty talk helps bring that erotic fantasy directly into a sexual interaction.
And it helps your arousal by also keeping you engaged in the moment, encouraging mindful sex! As Jenny Block, a dating expert and author of”O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm” says in the article:
“Our bodies may be feeling something, but if our minds are disengaged, the pleasure reward will always fall short. […] Just the sounds and tones can help us forget all about the laundry and remember just how good our partner feels.”
In ideal sexual scenarios, you are turned on by the erotic context, getting the sensations you want, and paying attention to the experience. Dirty talk can help with two of those three! I also unpack this even more in my Sex Hacker Bundle course, where I have a whole lesson on sexual communication.
But okay, enough of the why, Kenneth, how do I talk dirty? In the article, I talk with Brittany about what I see as the two types of dirty talk: the one that builds anticipation and the one that gives instruction. Anticipation can be in the sexts before the date or during foreplay, saying all the things you want to do with your lover or have them do to you. Giving instructions can be incredibly sexy for some people, either by tapping into dominance/submission play or communicating exactly what you and your partner want — leading to high arousal and desires met. If you want the details of the deed from me and other sex educators, check out the article!
I also talked with Brittany about what to do if dirty talk goes awry, and how I view sex talk as carving out an erotic space to celebrate fantasies. You can check out all the great advice, some word-for-word lines to use, and the full article here!